So.....2009 was very disappointing for me. I didn't stick to any goals I set for myself and the amount of money I ended up making paled in comparison to predicted targets set at the start of last year. This is obviously a shame and it's left me questioning lots of things about myself and my game.
Things that seem to be circulating in my head are odd questions like..
Am I too ambitious?
Do I have realistic goals?
Do I have the necessary drive and work ethic to see things through?
What is my priority in my life at the moment?
Am I just too good looking for this world??????????
Answers on a postcard please.
Hello Leggo, my name is Adam Zirkel and I'm a big winner lifetime in the $100NL games at Full Tilt and PartyPoker. I play on both sites under the alias BigDekuNuts.
At the beginning of 2009 I famously told my parents, girlfriend and close friends that I truely believed I would never have to work a day in my life again. Did I truely believe that? I believe I did. Is it because I can be an arrogant, stubborn prick at the times? .....quite possibly.
What I did believe and what I still believe now is that online poker can be a surreal, engaging, bouncy fantasy world. A life and career full of freedom, excitement and tax dodging. A world where money is of no significance, the big winners want for nothing and you have nobody to answer to.
For the majority of last year I have been coasting, taking the easy way out and not working hard enough at my craft. I've learnt a few lessons in the past year with the main one being YOU CAN'T AUTO PILOT THROUGH LIFE AND SUCCEED.
I'm sitting here now at midnight on New Years Day. 2009 is over and I have to go to work tomorrow. Real work. In a shop. This, in my head, makes me the biggest waste of space bum arse failure ever to walk unethusiasticly on God's green earth. Why should it? It probably shouldn't I suppose. People work in shops for minimum wage every day. What makes me so special? At one point in my poker career I was making £45 an hour sitting in my boxers eating pasta bakes. Do I believe I should be paid the same for hanging clothes? No. Well...maybe. Just kidding. Kinda.
People often used to ask me what I did for a living and I would often say proudly that I was a professional poker player. The majority of people would accept it. I would get the odd dozy middle aged women or closet gay, risk averse male telling me I need to grow up and stop gambling, but for the most part people at least thought it was interesting.
At the moment I seem to be surrounded by people who don't understand and seem to look down on me and judge my situation. This is quite simply because I spent the last 12 months out of work and "gambling" for a living. Sigh...I could bore you and them to death explaining all the intracacies of No Limit Texas Holdem. Equities, preflop statistics, complex betting patterns, check raising, 3-betting, 4 and 5 betting, stoving ranges, expectation blah blah mumbo jumbo in one ear out the other jargon. But most of the time I can't be arsed and they wouldn't fucking listen anyway.
In their eyes I see jealously, stupidity and envy of my freedom. They can't bare to see anyone succeed unconventially, go against the grain and aspire to bigger and better things. They want me down at their level and they want it now. One year ago I was pulling away, they were pulling me back. I shrugged off the stragglers and finally broke free. I was free from their level of stupidity, ignorance and bullshit. I didn't have to listen to their incessant whining and miserable outlooks on their 9-to-5 existance. They were bitching. I was playing, They were moaning. I was winning, They were judging and I was RUBBBBBING DOLLLLLLAR BILLLLLLS ON MY MOTHERFUCKING TITTIES.
I'm sitting here now half an hour later on the day after New Years Day about to go to sleep. I have to go to sleep at this time to get up bright and early to catch the worm and go to work tomorrow. Freedom gone. HOW THE LIVING FUCK DO I EXPLAIN THAT ONE????
Well... I can't to be honest. It sucks. I messed up and now I'm paying the price. I was just as ignorant and stupid as those idiots to think I could acheive anything in poker without a strong work ethic and sound mindset. I deserve it I suppose.
"Surely you must have lost it all!!!!!!!"
Friends and family around think it's good for me that I've got a job. It'll do me good apparently. Well its a shock to the system and a good shake up for sure if thats what they mean. I think for any normal human out of work it would obviously be a positive step. But to me, It's just another indicator that I failed at my last job.
"But poker isn't a real job is it?!?!?!?!?!"
BAHHHH, If I told you how much money I've made from online poker, the majority of you would think I was lying.I don't care frankly. It was the right decision to pursue it and I have no regrets.
What does 2010 hold for me? Well, I hope to keep an active blog over here at Leggo Poker, and continue taking my playing seriously. I have realistic goals which I hope to blow out of the water and I hope my end of 2010 recap is happier than this one.
My apologies for the emo rant, this is just some things I wanted to get off my chest.