I don't understand, I can't stop playing.

I can't really stop losing either.

I decided to play some 5-10 6m on Stars, which was a nice and comfortable change of pace. I was just going to play a few hands and then play some Madden and go to sleep.

Then, Benyamine was sitting 200-400, so I had to play. Ended up losing about 12k, but that wasn't the end of the world.

I left the computer.

When I came back, I had an itch to try out this HEM more and grind some hands at Stars 5-10 to try and get a roll back on there.

That started out kind of bad, but I made a little bit of a comeback and didn't lose more than a buy in or two. Then, I noticed a few 25-50 games running. There was a huge donk named xorbie on a few tables shorthanded, so I sat with the hopes that they would end up HU eventually. I ran really terrible and got super coolered and dropped my entire Stars roll. This is the closest, by far, that I've come to busting a poker account in probably 18 months or more. It's kind of depressing because I am at my peak of running the streets. Pretty much no one will play me, but now I'm Stars flat broke!

I've got a few hundred on FTP and the W$ to buy into the 25k HU, but I'm still kind of depressed about this. I don't know why, but thisis the second day in the row that I didn't play poker, or vowed not to play, and lost $30k. It's getting to the point where $30k almost means something to me and I need to start playing lower stakes if I want to be able to mentally handle these $200k downswings, which happen all too frequently. I think I'll play 5-10 and 10-20 nonstop until I have $100k in my Stars account.

This whole most recent debacle is also causing me to rethink school. I do school primarily because there isn't anything much else to do with myself and it keeps me motivated. I don't plan on dropping out, although it gets more and more difficult with each passing day and each second in a boring classroom.

Another awful and late night, more bad sleep, I'm completely out of whack and spiraling.

I need some September goals to save myself or something.

In September, since I started off down 60 or 75 or whatever, I'd be pretty happy just getting to +100. Very happy, in fact. With the new computer and switching to HEM and selling pieces and buying pieces, I'm devastated at how bad my records are. I know that whatever my HEM says right now, I'm probably actually down since I started playing on the desktop.

It's really amazing how ridiculous this poker thing is.

I guess it's not that big of a deal, but I probably won't take tomorrow off. Realistically, I'll just have to play better and exhibit some of the mental toughness that I talk about from time to time. Poker's hard, but it's rewarding with the income I suppose.

Also in September, I want to get about 100 put into some bonds or something. Everything I own is losing money in the stock market, and I'm more than happy making 5-6%. I'm fairly cynical when it comes to stuff like that. Since I don't have any actual real estate investments or something of the like, putting my money somewhere that it isn't actually going to decline would be pretty nice!

I think I'm also due to go to a chiropractor. I'm in pretty bad shape physically, and my back has always had at least moderate problems. I think having some kind of routine weekly with regards to that would be pretty nice. I also need to get back in the gym and actually lift a weight or two and run up and down the court and pretend like I used to play basketball or something.

Man, life's rough or something.