What most women don't know is that we (men) spend 93% of our time thinking about sex. Thankfully, I'm not here to talk about that 93% of the time. I'm here to talk about what we think of the second most, and that is what to do in the event of the Zombie Apocalypse (6%).

I've created a pie chart in case you're lost already.



Like most things in life, there is a lot of misinformation out there, so I thought I'd really educate the masses on the proper way to do things. I thought briefly about making a video out of this, but it's really important that I just get everything out to the public as soon as possible. We'll start by taking a look at some of the variables at play:

1. How do the zombies behave?

Most of the time there are clear rules about zombie behavior, but occasionally they'll just randomly do things that make no sense. For the most part, we can quantify a few things: zombies can't climb ladders or open doors, they like to eat human flesh, and if you shoot them in the head, they will "die." [1]

2. How does the disease spread?

Essentially we're looking at "if a zombie bites you, you will become a zombie." Again, we're dealing with a bit of variance here, so I'd highly recommend you don't drink from the same glass as a zombie, share needles, or double dip in communal guacamole. [2]

3. How many "people" have the disease?

At the point that we've decided the ZA [3] is here, the world will probably be FUBAR [4]. Quarantining the disease hasn't worked, there is no cure, and we haven't been able to ship all the sick people off to France [5]. Be VERY wary of who you deal with: the lines between human and zombie can be blurred at times and full survival mode will be in effect.

So, what do we do now?

Strength in numbers. The most important thing is to find weapons and a team of guys that you trust. You'll need analytical types, people who are good with computers, and guys who can handle a gun. Bonus points if you find guys who have multiple skills. Bonus points if they are familiar with agriculture [6]. Ideally, these bros are your bros and you go way back and have been bro'ing since high school or so. In a distrustful world, it'll be important to find people to trust.

Next, try to add some women to the group. You'll want to aim high: in the ZA, all of us can shoot a few points north. Women are all about status, and our status as "people who are not yet zombies" is incredibly appealing to them. The women will be good for the overall morale of the group, and, ultimately, to procreate. Who knows, you may even get lucky and find one that can shoot a zombie! [7] Balance is paramount here: too many women might drag you down, not enough women will create a distraction between jealous men.

Don't trust people outside of the group you've created. In the ZA, humans will need to stick together but resources will be scarce: there may or may not be enough power, food, and weapons. Our Darwinian instincts will take over and we'll be forced to battle other humans for the right to precious things (like twinkies).

Try to find a protected home base, preferably one that can take on some expansion (something like a church or some townhomes that are connected to more townhomes). Never sleep on the lower floors or in basements. Set booby traps in case a zombie gets past one set of doors. Have an escape route (something like a slide from a top floor to a vehicle on the street). Have backup plans. Never assume any given body is dead until you put a pitchfork through its skull. In the Zombie Apocalypse, there is no room for error.

Godspeed.

[1] "Die" is in quotes because they are, technically, already "dead." I thought it'd be a little misleading to say "die again," and things like "super-die" or "die-for-good-this-time" just seemed verbose.

[2] This goes without saying but you probably want to just avoid having appetizers with zombies altogether.

[3] Zombie Apocalypse.

[4] Federal Understanding Boycotts Auxiliary Reparations. You don't know what FUBAR means? #cmonson

[5] You did know this was the CDC's first plan of action, right?

[6] Farming. I'm from Indiana.

[7] Or make a sandwich.