Okay, not really.

Lately, however, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching, so to speak. A lot of thinking about the future, and perhaps more importantly, the present. I'm not a pessimist though; I certainly don't sit around thinking about how mundane my life is, or how I'm not contributing to society enough, blah blah blah. However, in light of school (lol) starting up against and this thread on 2+2, I've been re-examining my 'career' as a poker player, and more than that, my life.

First off, let me start by saying that although I'm not a pessimist, I'm certainly not an optimist. I'm extraordinarily realistic. I think that I am very in tune with reality. My ego might suggest otherwise, but frankly a lot of that is either hot air or, ::gasp::, truth.

For a long time, perhaps even before I had money, I thought that everyday I was alive and healthy, and my family and friends were alive and healthy, was a great day. I remember this quote from one of my favorite movies (Office Space):

"So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life."

That quote is relevant to me for two reasons. First, it always showed me that I never wanted that life. It's not so much about the cubicle, it's about the confinement. Frankly, I spend a lot of time on a computer- so much that if you put a cubicle for 4+ hours a day around me, I might never leave it! Nevertheless, the metaphorical confinement of not going anywhere, not being ambitious, not having the ability for vertical movement (both at your job and in life) always scared me. I never really had a career path. Some people put on a fireman's helmet when they're 12 and never take it off, some guys put on a space helmet and become an astronaut, some girls put on a mini-skirt and become sluts- the point is that we all figure out what we want to do with our lives at different junctures. I haven't found my niche yet, so for the time being I'm thankful that I was able to reach the top 1% in the world in my 'profession' before the age of 22 (and quite likely sooner than that); and I'll continue to look for something that entices me further.

The other reason that quote is worthy of discussion is because I think my life is quite the opposite; everyday I wake up is better than the day before. This merits less discussion. Quite simply, I'm glad to be alive, I've got two good eyes, two goods arms, two good legs, two good ears, a pretty decent and kind of crooked nose, most of my hair, not too many physical ailments, and a mouth that could talk the entire population of Alaska into buying bags of ice. I'm blessed. My family is healthy and I like them, in addition to loving them (I believe that the former is more rare than the latter). Jesus, I'm a lucky guy. If I die driving home tonight, I want everyone to know how lucky I am.

However, I have demons.

What does that mean exactly? Well, there's a lot of things in my everyday life that are imperfect, that bother me. My ability to look at the big picture (I wrote a blog called 'Sweat the Small Stuff' I think regarding this) is second to none in my opinion, but I'm hassled and bother by a lot of weird stuff on a daily basis that keeps me on an even keel.

In some of my philosophy classes we're talking about enlightenment. If you could know 'everything,' would you choose to? I'm pretty torn on that issue. At the moment, I consider myself fairly educated, above average for my age and class for sure, but not spectacularly driven, or prone to great retention. I'm aware of a lot of 'knowledge' about life that a lot of kids my age aren't. Perhaps I'm stating this wrong... What I'm trying to say is that I'm more perceptive to life, it's 'purpose' and priorities than most. If it was up to me, would I choose to be this intelligent? Or would I rather think that the greatest I could hope to achieve was manager at McDonald's and twelve dollars an hour?

There are some things that I'm glad I don't know: for example, I'm with Jack all the way on this one.. I don't want to know how our country is protected, the threats that we have on a daily basis, the corruption, etc. I want them on that wall, I need them on that wall; I want to be able to sleep at night in peace, and I'm thankful that I can do that without worrying about things that are beyond my control.

Other things, I'm happy that I'm informed about. For example: tons of poker players talk **** about other groups of poker players. "So and so is terrible, LOL what a tourney donk." Or, more hilariously, "That cash game donk is a huge dog in this tournament!" Some people are right. 2-4 midstakes grinder has every right to say that tournament player X has run hot to make his money, and that he grossly misunderstands concepts. 3-6 midstakes regular who sees me make one questionable play in a video and thinks I ran hot to get where I am, however, is wrong. Here is where I'm positive I'm in the top 1% of poker players; all the **** I talk is backed up when I run the streets and sit on dozens upon dozens of tables all by my lonesome. So in this regard, a lot of people are ignorant (those that are arguing about how a certain live pro is the 'best' because he won 3 tournaments in one year! So sick, he ran good for 10 thousand hands! No way!), but I'm informed. I'd have it no other way.

I'm not really sure about the 'life issue,' however. Some days I wish I didn't have such lofty goals. I wish I could sit around and think about when I'm gonna get drunk next, or how to pick up the random girl with tig 'ol bitties. It can't really happen though, there is no going back, so this is 'our burden' (our refers to intelligent people, I guess, and maybe some poker players, or something). I accept it. There are a lot of worse things in life.

I'm very torn about a lot of issues though.

Everyday, I have an internal struggle with whether or not I should cash a bunch of money out and play 5-10 and 10-20 because the swings at high stakes are too much and I'm very risk averse. "The money is good at 5-10 and 10-20! vs Boredem will overtake you and 25-50+ is too soft!"

Everyday, I fight with myself about how materialistic I am or am not. I sit around and say, "Buy a car you *****, you deserve it, you have plenty of money!" Then the next day I tell myself that I don't need it; I'm very much about who I am, my values, my intellect, my friends and family. Frankly though, it doesn't matter who I am, it's what I do that will define me (lol Batman!). If I buy a sweet pimp-ass ride do I become everything that I don't approve of?

Everyday, (or, four days a week, but I'm trying to keep structure here) I go to class and look at my professor who is smarter than me and certainly much wiser (all of them). They are trying to teach me something that I'm either moderately interested in or not interested in at all- so I start thinking about how much 'better' I am than them because I've made so much money! Look at the ice on my wrist! I just can't figure out why I think this.

Everyday, I sit in my room and tell myself I'm not going to class, I'm going to sleep for 3 more hours. I then fight with myself about the structure and social interaction that school brings me.. I continue to tell myself how bored I'd be without it, that I should just trudge through it because if I quit now I'll never go back.

Everyday, I'm going to get in better touch with my family, relatives, and old friends. I tell myself that I'm going to stop being so short with everyone and go out of my way to be nice to even strangers. I tell myself that I'm going to shut off the television and have more conversation with people; live a more simple life in general. Instead, I put on The Wire or Dexter and grind out the laying on my bed time.

Everyday, I tell myself I'm going to read, I'm going to life weights, I'm going to learn something new; I'm going to better myself as a person. I'm going to take the necessary steps to become the man that I want to become, that I've always envisioned. You know, the one who can crush random dudes who talk **** with his fists, or pull out a notebook and solve the answer to life's greatest mystery, or argue about politics in 3 different languages. And, everyday, instead of doing these things, I wake up, play poker, eat badly, and go to class and daydream about nothing constructive.

As you can see, I'm actually sitting here, watching myself spin my wheels. It's like I'm above myself, out of body, and watching the human fallacy and mistakes that I make. The same mistakes that I make fun of when I see other people make them: Overreacting, laziness, etc. It's a pretty surreal thing to watch yourself make mistakes, and 10 seconds later be absolutely dumbfounded by what just happened. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess, but the present is a very fragile time and should be lived very carefully because we only get it once.

That's all I've got, be good.