I was a donk poker player, pretty horrible when you tallied the numbers up. I started about the time Moneymaker had his big win, I thought wow look at that schmuck take down the big prize, this can't be that hard. I was maybe slightly above average in skill level at my best, I think you would label me as tight passive, a rock, playing premium hands, not getting too fancy. I had a job in Vegas and would play in my free time, but I found even when I played my best game my wins were limited to a certain amount - say one buy in - but my losing days could often consist of 3 or 4 buy ins - I would lose a big hand to variance and then just steam off cash at those live tables where the game seemed to slow down to a crawl once you lost a big hand - time stood still - while I tried to smother my anger at how unfair it was that the donkey tourist had just taken $500 off me with an inside straight draw that got there on the river to run down my flopped set. Sit there and try not to vomit while the guy eating a burger and fries got the cards all sticky while he made everyone wait for him to look at his hand. Wait for the nit to pretend to call while everyone at the table knew they didn't have the balls. Oh those live Vegas games were so dirty. Just thinking about the rake alone now makes me wonder how I put up with it - $4 or $5 a hand, 30 hands an hour, 6 hour session - minus 720 to the house at your table - the rake was bleeding most of those live games as dry as any sharky semi pro.

So long term I was losing big, with the occasional night where I would win a few big hands so easily and walk out with a couple thousand. But mostly I lost. I did this for a couple of years. At the time it seemed to be a legit way to conduct life. I was a player! A bad one.

Eventually I got tired of that. I left Vegas, did what I could to escape - got a job elsewhere and said good bye to the gambling lifestyle. Closed up shop and moved on to other things. Goodbye to the baking oven heat and the roller coaster mood swings, the poisonous atmosphere of that town. It can be such a crushing grind.

I still read poker blogs occasionally as a form of entertainment, to remember how I was, and what it meant to me. This site is pretty good for that - I like to read about the strategies, the swings, the action.

I no longer play cards or gamble. I am not a player, not a baller, don't have a shot at winning a big tournament and cashing in big. I don't want anyone else's money and won't be getting it.

But I do have more peace of mind - and it's hard to put a dollar value on that.