Hey guys,

This is a script I wrote a while back for a mock documentary on an online poker player. I had originally planned to produce it, but since it doesn't look like I'll be doing that anytime soon I thought I may as well post it here. I think this kind of thing would specifically be a lot more effective as a finished product, but if you use your imagination I'm sure there's still some enjoyment to be had.

From Robusto to Busto: Tim ‘Mouse Hand’ Legs

[Tim was an online poker crusher in 2003, but in his excitement for the game and unexpected wealth he went a little crazy: having his right hand removed and surgically attaching a computer mouse in its place.]

Interviewer: So that thing allows you to control a computer with it, pretty cool.

Tim: Ah, no actually. Here’s the thing, I didn’t necessarily research this as thoroughly as I might have. It turns out that there’s actually a pretty complicated set of nerve endings that connect all the way up to your brain that allows you to move your own hand, whereas my mouse doesn’t have any of that. So I can think about moving it all I like, but my stump just can’t do it. It’s just a hollow mouse… attached to a stump.

I: Can you still use it like a normal mouse?

T: Yeah it was still functional, but I had to plug it in and unless I leaned up really close to the mouse connection on the back of the computer, it really hurt. It would pull on my raw stump. And also obviously I had to click the buttons with my left hand, and that was pretty annoying.

I: was functional?

T: Yeah, isn’t anymore. Most computer mice only last a few years, and mine was just an ordinary mouse so it just stopped functioning at all in 2005. But ah, I still find ways of making it useful.

[cuts to making a glass of chocolate milk, stirring it with the cord]

I mean it’s still certainly better than nothing.

One of the things I most regret, is that I didn’t foresee the advances in technology. I mean I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll always have an unusable mouse attached to my body, but the fact that it is such an out-dated one is really embarrassing. I mean they have really cool, wireless mice nowadays, and I’m stuck with this giant piece of #$%*.

I: Why don’t you just replace the mouse?

T: It’s actually not that easy, to replace the mouse I’d have to have another complete operation. And that costs a whole lot of money, I ended up using most of my net worth on the first operation.

I: But you’re an internet poker genius right, can’t you just make the money for it again?

T: Well here’s the thing. I used to play in 2003, and I was the one who came up with the, without being overly modest, genius strategy of like, your opponent raises, then you re-raise him, he calls, and then on the flop he checks, you bet and he folds. I just did this over and over again and it was like printing money. Before I knew it I had 1M dollars. I mean I literally didn’t do anything else, I didn’t even know if a flush beat a line.

I: A line?

T: Like when all the numbers line up together in a row

I: A straight?

T: Yeah whatever, see it didn’t matter. It was: Raise, re-raise, call, check, bet, fold. I had that written down on a post- it note, and had it stuck to the top of my monitor at all times. But my operation put me out for 6 months and when I came back I didn’t play for a long time because..you know I was depressed about not being able to operate my mouse hand with my mind.

I: So you used most of your money to pay for the operation?

T: Yeah, it was probably a pretty silly thing to do looking back on it bankroll management wise, but hey I took a shot. If I had of come back with a fully functional mind controlled mouse hand then I would have been the f%*king hero of the online poker world. Some people are happy being mediocre; I always wanted to be the King.

I: Do you still play poker for a living?

T: Ah no, I had to give that up. Once I got over my depression it was a couple of years later, and for some reason I just couldn’t win at any level. And it was starting to drive me insane cause I literally wasn’t doing anything differently than I was in 2003 when I made my 1M dollars.

I still had my post-it note. Raise, re-raise, call, check, bet, fold.

[cut to footage showing the post-it note]

But it just wasn’t working at all. I even starting contemplating conspiracy theories, like maybe someone who was jealous of my success came in during my operation and replaced my post it note with a fake one. Like maybe it was meant to be raise, call, bet, re-raise, fold or something… I don’t know, I tried every combination I could think of. Some of them worked once or twice, but ah, none of them would work every single time so I knew it wasn’t my golden theorem. Looking back now I think I should have made some kind of back up, but you know, hindsight is worth two in the bush.

I: So what do you do for a living now?

T: Well for money I take internet surveys.

[cut to example of internet survey]

You know how companies are always asking for you to give 5 minutes to complete one? Well I’ve got time you know, so I complete as many as I can, and then sometimes they give you free gifts, or gift certificates, and I sell those on EBAY.

[cut back to interview]

I also live with my parents, so they take care of a lot of the food/rent/bills stuff so I can focus on my career.

I: What else do you do with your time?

My passion is definitely working with the community, doing celebrity events, school speeches, anything to help the kids, but ah I’ve found it tough to get too much work in that area recently. I mean at my peak I was really famous in the online poker world, on the early 2+2 forums, but apparently all the people who used to follow me don’t actually make up that big a part of the entire world’s population. And even the few of those guys I’ve tracked down, actually tracked down to their own houses from IP searches,

[cut to Tim showing up at a guys door, guy looks puzzled, he shows him his mouse hand excitedly]

I went door to door to those guys asking if they wanted to buy an autograph… but most of them apparently didn’t remember me.

I think they were just star-struck really. I mean who is going to forget a guy who was the best poker player in the world, and also has a mouse as a hand. If you want a modern example I guess it would be Phil Ivey… except one of his hands…is replaced by a 2003 styled computer mouse. That would be memorable right?

-I: So you’re known as Tim Mouse Hand Legs. What’s different about your legs?

T: Oh no, my legs are fine, that’s actually just my given surname, ‘legs’.

I: You don’t think that’s a bit confusing?

T: Well I mean it might be, but you don’t go to all the trouble I’ve gone through and not get an accurate nickname out of it….’mouse hand’.

I: Yes I remember.

Are you the only person in the world who had this operation?

T: As far as I know I am. I thought maybe I’d found a kindred spirit a while back on 2+2. I started a well, you know for people to ask me anything they wanted, and posted my life story.

[-cut to 2+2 screen]

And one guy came in and wrote, ‘I hear you brother, I’ve had a really tough time since I surgically replaced my c%*k and balls with a keyboard’.

[cut back]

And he put a photo of himself with the keyboard where his c%*k and balls should have been. So I thought this was someone who could really understand me, but that um, that apparently turned out to be just some kind of joke this particular time. The search continues! ha ha.

I did hear of a guy in Belgium who replaced one of his hands with, like a real, animal mouse. But, ah, I don’t really want to talk to that guy. Why would anyone want a real mouse on their stump? It’s retarded.

I: What are your plans for the future?

T: I’ve actually started my own website with my story, asking for donations, so that maybe I can get an operation to replace my 2003 model mouse with a 2010 one. Donations are going slowly at the moment. But you never know.

[Incredibly, 3 months later after a sudden boom in interest in his story on 2+2, he received the money required for his operation. There was only one doctor in the country willing to perform it.]

[Before he leaves for the hospital]

I: Are you nervous?

T: I am nervous, but mostly excited you know? The mouse they’ve chosen is the 3rd or 4th best one they make today, in the entire catalogue of the particular company we used, so I’m just so lucky. I can’t thank 2+2 enough for their generosity in making my dreams come true.

[Back at his home. Interviewer walks in, looks at Tim’s right hand, old 2003 mouse still attached, then looks over at his left hand where a brand new 2010 mouse is now in place of his formerly working hand]

I: Oh no, what happened?

T: Oh the 2+2 guys who donated the money had one small condition for it, and that was that I had to get the new mouse on my left hand.

I: But…that…I mean does that one at least operate a computer?

T: No, no they haven’t figured out a way to do that yet. But it is brand new.

I: And you’ve still got your old one?

T: Yeah, that would have cost a lot more money to have that one removed. And even then, might as well keep it. Never know when it’ll come in handy.

[CREDITS]

K