This week on TRWIAMG, we investigate people that are unable to apply logic to anything in life, specifically within sport.

This probably isn’t going to resonate quite as well with those that don’t follow my brand of football, but if you’re familiar with any sport I’m sure you can piece it together.

So the team I play with this year, despite being made up of a lot of talented players for the level we play, has been struggling pretty badly due to two or three people with the worst mentalities for football. Whereas I and my friends in the team enjoy playing a nice brand of passing football, these few guys love nothing more than to panic, close their eyes, and boot the ball as far as they can in any direction it happens to fly in.

Ok, whatever, totally standard for people who are terrible at football/life. But one of our biggest problems, and something that is really easy to fix, is that off virtually every single one of our goal kicks we concede possession. Our goalkeeper either kicks the ball straight to an opposition player or aimlessly in the air where, due to our combined weakness in the air, we are sure to lose every 50/50 contest for the ball.

The solution? To pass the ball short from our goal kicks to one of our defenders, who can then move the ball on to another player and so on and so on. Easy.

At half time in our game today I again tried to address this issue. Specifically, I suggested all four defenders line up on the edge of the penalty area, and our goalkeeper can simply pass to whoever is the most open. If somehow the opposition mark all four of our defenders (very unlikely), there will be so much space through the centre of the field that we’ll be quite happy to play the ball longer.

It’s a really really simple fucking idea. Basically it’s the choice in the football video game FIFA where you decide to press the short pass button over the long pass button, I’m just suggesting we push A (short pass on Xbox).

The villain in this story, easily the worst offender of not understanding what it takes to be a somewhat positive influence on the world, decides to chime in.

Villain: Nah, won’t work.

K: Excuse me?

Villain: I mean, it sounds like a great “theory” (actually did air quotes) and everything, but it won’t work in reality.

Won’t work in reality? Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realise I’d been so heavily influenced by watching ‘The Never-ending Story’ last night. I guess I’m just turning everything in to a fantastical world of whimsy, neglecting the hard truths that reality brings. My bad sir, thanks for clearing that up and releasing me from my ignorant quasi slumber.

K: What could you possibly mean?

Villain: You know, I think we just need to jump more for it.

K: No, sorry, you’ve misunderstood. See I’m saying we pass the ball short, on the ground, to an unmarked player, thereby keeping possession.

Villain: Yeah but we gotta contest.

K: Contest? There won’t be anyone near the guy who gets the ball. That’s the whole point. If one guy is too closely marked, our keeper just passes to one of the other guys. It’s basically an unexploitable strategy, and one that will have a dramatically positive impact on our overall game.

Villain: Yea. Just jump and contest ay.

What the fuck are you talking about?

He’s basically saying “Yeah, we’d all like to press A, but how likely is it we’ll ever find the button in time?”

To make matters much worse, our coach (whether deliberately or not) goes the route of attempting to placate both of us by saying “yeah you guys both have good points”.

No, we do not both have good points. I’ve suggested a very simple idea, and he has said it won’t work. Our respective points are mutually exclusive. If you agree with me, he’s a retard. If you agree with him, you’re both retards. There really isn’t any middle ground.

So I turn away in frustration at how bad 99.9% of humans are at understanding anything remotely based in logic, and we go back on the field to complete a game where we once again didn’t implement this strategy even once. Incidentally, we go on to lose 2-1 against one of the worst teams I’ve ever seen.

This would simply never happen in the virtual wonderland that is FIFA. And that my friends, is why this was a fine example of why the real world is a massive grind.

Till next time.

Hey guys,

Niman Kenkre (Samoleus) is running an English Premier League fantasy league this season, and you're all invited! You can learn, chat, and play fantasy football with your favourite pros like Punketty, K_Man, and Ansky.

Here's the email (*not fictional) he sent out:

Hi guys,

thanks for your interest in the fantasy football. I posted about it on my blog on Bluefire as well as on twoplustwo, so it looks like we are going to have a pretty big league this year: should be fun! Here are the details of the league.

The entry fee will be $300 for the fantasy league (fantasy.premierleague.com) and $100 for the iknowthescore league (iknowthescore.com) for a total of $400. Of course you can choose to play only one or the other if you wish.

We will do it relegation style - everyone except for the bottom few will get $100 of the $300 back. This way, everyone will have something to play for, even if out of contention to win. The rest of the money will go to the prize pool. I will determine what the payouts will be, how many places will be paid, and how many will be "relegated" based on our total number of entries. I will of course let you know at the start of the season. To that end, I'd like to make the deadline to enter (and receive your payment) one week before the start of the season. That'll give me time to figure out an optimal payout structure.

If you are interested in playing, please register a team and send me the payment. My preferred payment method is a transfer on Poker Stars. For those of you non-poker guys, you can just send me a check. Let me know and I will send you my mailing address. Once I receive your payment, I will give you the code to the league.

Also, if you guys know anyone else that would be interested, please try to get them to join too. The more the merrier!

Looking forward to it!!!

Niman (Samoleus)

So yeah, if any of you guys enjoy fantasy football send Niman $300/$400 on stars ("Punketty") and send him an email at nimankenkre@yahoo.com to get the code to the private league. Should be fun, I might even give out tips every now and again.

Oh and since this blog really didn't lend itself to anything lyrically spectacular, I'll leave you with a clip from one of my top ten favourite comedy shows. I might do this as a countdown whenever I'm just doing a standard blogosphere entry.

#10 on K's top comedy shows list: Extras

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43sbtkQM6zc

That's all folks.

(Are you happy Greg?)

As I’m sure is the case with many of you, I’m on a poker film mailing list that keeps me up to date on any poker films in various stages of production throughout the world. I just received an email telling me that the latest poker movie attempt is going to be a poker/horror cross over flick called ‘The Reading’. To be honest based on just the preview I could go either way on being excited or not. I’ll copy and paste the outline for you guys:

-Huck Derrance arrives at the Overlook Casino for a job interview. The Casino itself is shut down in the winter months due to heavy snow in the surrounding area, and Huck is asked to act as the caretaker until normal service resumes. It is also made clear that the Casino, in the summer months, is host to a fictionalized version of the World Series of Poker. Huck intends to spend the winter grinding online in preparation for his ‘destiny’ of becoming the World Series of Poker (equivalent) champion.

- Casino manager Stewy Smith informs Huck that the previous incumbent of the caretaker position developed cabin fever during his tenure and subsequently murdered his family. Huck declares this not to be a problem, due to the fact that he’s not really that fond of his family. The Casino is an Indian themed Casino, not surprisingly built on an Indian burial ground.

-Huck plans to bring his wife, Mindy, and his son Timmy to live with him during the isolated winter. We are introduced to Timmy with the boy having horrifying visions of bad beats, the worst being the vision of a man with pocket Aces not winning. While his father hasn’t introduced Timmy to poker yet, he has been taught what he knows from his imaginary friend McGriff. We also learn that Huck broke Timmy’s arm 4 years earlier after an ill fated drunken shot at 25/50NL.

-On closing day the family arrives at the Casino, and is given a tour of the premises. An elderly African American poker player (a former World Series champion), Clark Wilson, introduces himself to the family. When routinely lying about how he thinks they look like a handsome family, he is surprised by how easily the kid can tell he’s not being honest. It soon becomes clear that Timmy’s ability to detect tells is extraordinary. The former champion privately informs Timmy that this is called 'the read', and both he and his Grandmother (also a former World Series champion) had it. He also tells Timmy to stay out of the baccarat lounge under all circumstances.

-One month later Huck has been running atrociously online, in both tournaments and cash games, and when his wife keeps interrupting his grinding he is getting visibly more and more tilted. Timmy meanwhile couldn’t resist the whimsical lure of baccarat, and returns from the lounge apparently injured from his experience. Mindy immediately assumes the injuries were caused by Huck lashing out after one too many lost coin flips.

-Huck gets even more tilted by this false accusation, and goes to the sports bar where he meets a ghostly bartender named Frank. Huck complains about how hard it is to find a woman who comes close to getting poker/life. Mindy shows up acting irrationally as usual, and says that Timmy claimed that he saw a crazy woman in the baccarat lounge and she is the one who inflicted the injuries. Huck replies that women don’t play baccarat, so he must have inflicted the injuries on himself. Mindy and Huck argue about whether or not they should take Timmy out of the Casino environment, but Huck is having none of it. He tells her he just needs to fucking grind, and asks if she realises it’s been 3 and a half years since he played more than 40K hands in one month.

-Huck then meets who he believes is the ghost of the previous caretaker, Billy Maxwell, who tells him the only way to ever be focused enough to win the ‘big dance’ is to ‘correct’ his wife and child.

-Timmy sees his parents fighting, and uses his incredible reading ability to ascertain that maybe things aren’t all rosy. The kid tries to inform Clark Wilson (the former champ) that he’s in danger, by typing it to him on AIM. Clark is offline at the time, but should receive the message next time he logs in.

-Mindy discovers Huck’s laptop with Holdem Manager open, filtered just for VPIP, with the only hands played being him open shoving 94s over and over again in various games and stakes. Horrified, she confronts Huck, and he threatens her before she knocks him unconscious with a swinging computer mouse. She locks him in the Casino cage, but Huck converses with Billy again until the cage mysteriously opens.

-Timmy has written “GFMO” in chapstick on the door of Mindy’s bedroom, revealing to be “OMFG” spelled backwards. Huck then pursues his wife and child throughout the Casino grounds with a shotgun, but is distracted when he hears the noise of Clark Wilson’s private jet landing outside the Casino. Huck finds Clark seconds after his arrival and without delay destroys his torso with one shot. Huck then starts to pursue Timmy and is led into the maze-like car park. Huck follows his son’s footsteps but is misled when Timmy goes to the green level instead of the blue, especially confusing because everyone knows Timmy’s favourite colour was blue. Timmy’s quick thinking and reading of his father’s shortcomings helps him and his mother escape in Wilson’s private jet, while Huck can’t find his way out of the car park and starves to death without access to a good buffet.

-At the very end of the film the camera slowly zooms in on the World Series portraits to reveal a picture of the father winning the World Championship in 1972.

Let me know if you guys think this can compete with the likes of ‘All In’ and ‘Lucky You’ in representing the pinnacle of poker film.

Till next time.

And now it's time for another scene with our favourite young poker players, A and K.

This week the guys are showing the dangers involved in becoming too much of a poker fanboy.

K: Hey man so I came up with a little poker analogy for dating.

A: Oh yeah?

K: Yeah. You know how I don't really like the club scene cause you can't actually talk to the girls? Well I'm calling actually getting to have a conversation with a girl 'seeing the flop', which makes the club scene, where it's all about what you do before you talk to the girl, the preflop game.

So if you can get the chicks with moves on the dance floor, you're a pre-flop player, and if you prefer to talk to the girls, you like to see flops.

A: So the small ball approach to dating?

K: Yeah, exactly.

A: I like it. So whats the turn and the river?

K: The turn is where you actually sit down and have a drink with the girl, and the river is where you have a real chance at getting a date.

A: Oh ok, cool.

[LATER]

A: I was thinking about your dating/ poker analogy, and I came up with that tapping a ho is like winning a bracelet.

K: Yeah that's ok, but I'm not really sure it applies to the same analogy though. It's more about an individual hand.

A: Ah K, so like 3 betting?

K: Well I think that's getting a little complicated, let's just stick with the original ok.

[MUCH LATER]

A: So I saw that chick Amanda at the club last night. We were on the dance floor when a guy in front of her raised, she flat called, and I squeeeeezeeddddd........ah yeah.

K:....W....What does that even mean?! Look stop trying to use my analogy ok, you're banned from using it.

A: You're just jealous aren't you? You're all pissed off that I'm having so much success with my preflop strategy, while you're struggling with this small pot dating.

I mean you can't blame me for my natural talent. I'm out there every night, 4 betting light and taking the pots down, while you're trying hopelessly for a better long term winrate with your little check-raises mid conversation.

K: Oh my god. What could any of that possibly mean you barnacle?

A: That's it. I can't handle this jealously right now, I'm going out for a while.

[A moves towards the door]

K: A?

A: What?

K: ...I'm sorry you're completely right about everything. It's just...they just keep floating me out of position, then firing the turn. Like what am I supposed to do versus that, you know?

A: Oh it's ok man it'll turn around, you're just running bad.

[ A and K hug]

{To be continued}

Till next time.

I was about to write a blog about what happened at my football game today when I realised I hadn't taken the time to explain the little fact that whenever I refer to 'football' I am always talking about Association football, or Soccer.

The idea that I had to preface my blog with this tilted me no end, and so I scrapped my hilarious tale of renegade referees and sauced spectators for this public service announcement about why football should be called football.

It's not a question of what is the best game, clearly this is exceptionally objective and not even worth discussing.

Never mind the fact that nearly every country on earth refers to it as football. If you had a solid argument as to why the rest of the world were retarded and you were right, I'd be all for continuing the thought process of f everyone else.

It's just a question of what fits best in the logic puzzle of "If you were to pick one of these 15 major sports to be called 'football', which one do you think you'd pick?"

Most sports are pretty clearly related to their names. You hit the ball with your hand across a court? Handball. You throw a ball into a basket? Basketball. You race cars around a track? Carball. It's not that hard.

Let's start with a simple run down of Assocation football. The object of the game is to move the ball from one end of a pitch to another, resulting in the ball going between two sticks that represent a goal. Here's the twist, aside from the goalkeepers, the other ten players on each team are aren't allowed to use their hands. Like not at all, and if done it results in the offending team being penalised in various ways. In truth you can use your head, chest and knees also, but primarily this game is played with your feet. Ergo, they call it football.

Now let's move on to American football. In this game the object is similarly to move the ball from one end of a field to the other, into an end zone. The ball is advanced down the field either by carrying the ball in your hands, or throwing the ball with your hands into a teammates hands. In truth you can occasionally use your feet, but this is only for specialised players, determined the kicker and punter respectively, who are members of a special team within the much larger squad. But, like goalkeepers in Association football, they are the exception to the rest of the players who are all restricted by not being able to use their feet. Ergo, they call it football.

It's analogous to this.

"Hey, can I have a look at your baseball?"

"What did you call me?!"

"Huh? I said can I have a look at your baseball."

"I literally have no idea what you're talking about."

"That small spherical object over there, let me see it"

"Oh you mean my basketball?"

"No...the baseball."

"Oh I see, you're using the gay European terminology. You can have a look at my basketball absolutely."

"What?"

"You heard me, it's called basketball."

"It's really not."

"Yeah huh. You see when I started to go to basketball (what you call baseball) training when I was a kid, I always had to ride my bike. Only one day, my bike was broken. Not having any other option I had to borrow my sister's bike, which unfortunately had a pink basket attached to it. It was a bit embarrassing, but I'd never forget it. And that is why it's clearly called basketball. "

"I don't really want to be your friend any more."

By the way this doesn't purely apply to American football, but to Rugby League, Rugby Union, Australian Rules football, Gaelic football and Norwegian Neverevertouchtheballwithyourfootball.

They're all equally ridiculous in calling their game football. Football should not be a larger grouping in which several different games can appear, it's just one game. Sport is the bigger subsection of human activities, under which Football, Gridiron, Tennis, Golf, Rugby etc etc all fall under. Calling anything else football is like saying,

"Well, I really liked the Godfather. And my movie was in many ways loosely inspired by the Godfather, so I'm going to call it Godfather. Then hopefully in a 100 years people will be having stupid illogical arguments about which "The Godfather" they're talking about, and I for one hope I'm not the only one who follows this train of thought. I feel like I'll get into Mexican Godfather big time in Winter".

This isn't a personal attack on any individual person or nation, you were brought up being told this is what the game was called, what else are you going to call it? My problem stems with a wider issue that is being highlighted in this form, and that is holding on to an idea that is clearly silly and illogical purely because that's what you were taught.

Who cares what you were taught? It's illogical. That's the only issue.

One sport is primarily played with your feet. Others are not.

Give it some thought.

Till next time.

Just wanted to say a big thanks to MYNAMEIZGREG for the shout out in his recent blog.

To be honest that was probably the only thing that made me smile this week.

See, four nights ago I received a phone call telling me my Grandfather had suddenly passed away. I say suddenly, I guess it's never that sudden when you're the ripe old age of 89, but he was probably the healthiest older person anyone could ever meet as he'd never really had that many problems. He had to stay in a hospital last year for a night after he had some stomach pains, but they said it wasn't anything serious and it was just standard precautionary procedure. I guess they might have been wrong.

He was a really terrific guy. I always got along with him great, though I wish now that I'd put in more effort to spend time with him when I had the chance. His stories were legendary, if a bit sad at times. He was a WWII veteran. Like many Australian soldiers, he was part of the Papuan campaign designed to stem the threat of a potential Japanese invasion.

I think the thing I'll remember most about Granddad was how direct he was, even when we were young. He would tell these brutal war stories to kids that were no older than twelve years old about how he had held some of his best friends in his arms as they bled to death, never hesitating as he failed to omit even one horrific detail. He lost nearly all his friends in the war, and I think the worst thing was that after he returned home he couldn't form a real friendship with another person for the rest of his life. Sure he had us, his family, to lean on, but that level of comradery he had felt with his WWII brothers simply couldn't be replicated back here. As such he pretty much closed himself off to most people he met until the day he died.

They're not 100% sure what the cause of death was. However, there are apparently some signs that he was carrying some rare immune deficiency disease. Here's the kicker. They think this could be hereditary. My family and I had to go in for immediate tests, all the while being told "not to panic" over and over again. With all due respect to the fine men and women of the medical industry, I just think it's such a trite thing to say. I know they have to, but I dunno. I guess it's just different when you're on the receiving end. They said they'd let us know as soon as they had the results.

So here I am now, trying to keep myself as busy as possible while I wait for the most important phone call of my life. I know I don't know anything for sure yet, but I don't think even the idea that anything could be wrong has really sunk in yet. I just feel numb really. Kind of like an extreme boredom, though that couldn't be further from the truth.

Anyway, I've wasted enough of your time. Now I've got to go out again to look for my missing dog. Well, puppy. If anyone lives near Forresters Beach NSW, Australia and sees a lonely yellow lab with a eye patch on (don't ask), please consult one of the hundreds of flyers around with my details on it and give me a call. Or at least I hope they'll be there, I've already had to put them up three times since someone keeps tearing them down as soon as i put them up. I'm not sure who or why, probably just some kids having a laugh. I guess that's kinda funny to some people, but I just love my dog and want her back with me as soon as possible.

Oh and thanks to Greg again for his nice words about this being the funniest poker blog on the internet.



*Some/all of the contents of this blog entry may or may not be completely fabricated.

P.S. If things could get any worse I just found out Michael Jackson died. I fucking loved thriller.

Today I want to discuss something that holds great importance in both poker and life: history. With life we are deeply affected by our history in most every way, inextricably linked with both the good and the bad of previous generations. With poker we have more personal control however, and are specifically dealing with our history with other players and how they affect our future decisions.

While I think general history and poker history are both interesting topics, it is important not to mix the two. So today I will be forgetting about general history completely for the time being, and focusing purely on poker history.

I believe it was Gus Hansen who said "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." For us to hear such sage words and not react to them would be a terrible thing indeed.

Typically this history will be between two players, with their previous encounters directly affecting the plot of any given hand they play. You will have all certainly heard someone describe a hand with the disclaimer of "we've got history", but rarely do people fully grasp the importance of the concept. Such misconceptions can in the short-term be overlooked in this variance riddled obsession of ours, but poker history is littered with violent examples of when things simply don't turn out how we'd hoped.

I remember a time when things got really bad. I think it was my friend Danforth who didn't want me to play that day. He just kept going on...about some kind of feeling. We'd all had feelings. Some good, some bad, but most of us had decided it was best to not listen to those kinds of thoughts anymore. Didn't seem to be a point. No matter what time or what place we entered battle, there would always be someone willing to put everything on the line against us. The enemy would turn up regardless of how we felt that day.

Oh you had a good sleep? Great. But Charlie always seemed to be more prepared. Charlie_414 on Full Tilt Poker.com. It seemed like Charlie slept more than anyone seeing as how he was always so refreshed, but yet as far as I could tell he never did. I know this must seem like a strange idea. I guess you have to be in that world to really get it.

Generally people outside the poker-verse have little to no idea about the wonders that lie inside. From a sick turn check raise to the stunning monument that is FullTiltPoker.com, ordinary people furrow their brows with immense confusion and wonder. Hell, sometimes I feel the same way. It is true that no one really knows how they built Full Tilt. Some say the Babylonians, others chime in with theories about Alien life forms from beyond. I'm a little more conservative in my estimation and think, while it would have been an amazing feat of manpower, that it was probably the creation of a very large group of slaves under the leadership of Pharaoh Lederer.

But although there are many wonderful achievements from individual players throughout the ages, it couldn't exist without the majestic origin of our species as poker players. In such a discussion it would be impossible to omit the groundbreaking work of Leggo's own Aaron "Darwin" Jones in his earth shattering article entitled 'The Evolution of a Poker Player'. Before the work of Jones, as utterly absurd as it seems today, the popular opinion was that the Earth was formed just 6000 years ago and that poker players had simply been walking around since its inception.

We relied on a series of stories such as the famous "Ace on the River", an epic tale of a playing card (the Ace of Spades) so big it blocked the Amazon River for 100 years. As we all know the story continues with a series of ancient heroes doing their feeble best to restore the river to its former glory, while in the end it required the card's original creator 'Barnabus Greenstein' who it turns out could extricate it with a simple flick of his wrists. Modern logic of course reveals this tale as a bit of silly fun, though in some quarters people are still reciting this fable verbatim, and as the holy poker truth, to their children.

Such madness aside, the more enlightened of us now not only know but embrace the ideas presented in Aejones' article. To some it seems ridiculous that poker is not played within a box ("but poker is too beautiful and perfect a game, how can it have come from anything but the sunless shelter of a box?!"). However not only can we be glad and satisfied with our well balanced theory of the game, but also find the beauty in it.

Ignorance does not equate to beauty my friends. The more we learn about the game, and our history within it, the richer our lives become.

Till next time.

Being slightly concerned with getting my blog typecast, this time I've decided to deviate from the theme of discussing poker players that I don't have the greatest amount of respect for.

Instead I thought I'd start this one with a few hands I played tonight against Dr. Giggy on Full Tilt Poker.com, someone I actually do think is an excellent poker player who I was genuinely interested in testing myself against. Though he does have less bracelets than someone like Mike Gracz, making any victory necessarily less enjoyable. Given a choice between "Hey, I just beat a world champion!!!" or "Hey, I just beat one of the best midstakes players online!!!", I know what the man on the street wants to hear. (In this scenario, I will also be playing the role of the man on the street). But I had to make do.

I also of course couldn't resist the chance to be a celebrity on his training video and promptly got on the waiting lists for his four $2/$4NL tables. We played for about an hour but only played three real hands between us.

Here he manages to stack me in a blind war.

Full Tilt Poker, $2/$4 NL Hold'em Cash Game, 5 Players
LeggoPoker.com - Hand History Converter

DrGiggy (SB): $428.60
Hero (BB): $502
Vasyatka (UTG): $68
jduck998 (CO): $738
davistabuff9 (BTN): $809.80

Pre-Flop: 9 A dealt to Hero (BB)
3 folds, DrGiggy raises to $16, Hero calls $12

Flop: ($32) 8 2 Q (2 Players)
DrGiggy bets $20, Hero raises to $62, DrGiggy raises to $152, Hero raises to $486 and is All-In, DrGiggy calls $260.60 and is All-In

Turn: ($857.20) A (2 Players - 1 is All-In)

River: ($857.20) 7 (2 Players - 1 is All-In)

Results: $857.20 Pot ($3 Rake)
DrGiggy showed A Q (two pair, Aces and Queens) and WON $854.20 (+$425.60 NET)
Hero showed 9 A (a pair of Aces) and LOST (-$428.60 NET)

Here however, I managed to own him off what was definitely a worse hand than mine.

Full Tilt Poker, $2/$4 NL Hold'em Cash Game, 5 Players
LeggoPoker.com - Hand History Converter

Phil Wang (UTG): $508
DrGiggy (CO): $626
OliveStech (BTN): $550.20
Hero (SB): $400
kinglabomba (BB): $106.90

Pre-Flop: 2 2 dealt to Hero (SB)
Phil Wang raises to $12, DrGiggy raises to $40, OliveStech folds, Hero raises to $100, 2 folds, DrGiggy calls $60

Flop: ($216) 3 6 9 (2 Players)
Hero bets $90, DrGiggy folds

Results: $216 Pot ($3 Rake)
Hero mucked 2 2 and WON $213 (+$113 NET)

While here I play everyone's favourite game of "I know you think I'll bluff that card which I why I never will or maybe I will but will I value bet the same card yes I definitely will but do you know that I'll value bet it well I'm not really sure what you think you're French right or French Canadian at least is it cold there it's probably cold I don't mind the cold though I don't really have to deal with it very often so I guess maybe I would if I was living there or maybe you get used to it but back to the point you probably do think I'll have a decent value range there or maybe you don't what the hell do I know".

Full Tilt Poker, $2/$4 NL Hold'em Cash Game, 5 Players
LeggoPoker.com - Hand History Converter

acproda (BTN): $943.40
Hero (SB): $995.10
davistabuff9 (BB): $805.90
KLA67 (UTG): $271.20
DrGiggy (CO): $1,497.80

Pre-Flop: 6 7 dealt to Hero (SB)
KLA67 folds, DrGiggy raises to $12, acproda folds, Hero raises to $48, davistabuff9 folds, DrGiggy calls $36

Flop: ($100) 9 9 5 (2 Players)
Hero bets $52, DrGiggy calls $52

Turn: ($204) K (2 Players)
Hero bets $155, DrGiggy folds

Results: $204 Pot ($3 Rake)
Hero mucked 6 7 and WON $201 (+$101 NET)


So, in response to him winning a full stack off me in a standard spot I managed to bluff him in two much smaller spots, thus making me feel like the real winner. And as long as I feel good about myself, no one is going to tell me that I'm not a winner.

Seconds later, Holdem Manager told me that I was not a winner. I had apparently neglected to install the patch that cares about my self esteem, and was promptly informed in no uncertain terms that Dr Giggy was the superior player/human being by $314.60 USD.

I feel like this particular software might benefit with some additional features for those less fortunate. If every time I'm watching a losing hand in the replayer a positive message was to come up like "Yes, you lost this pot, but you have soulful eyes", I think I'm going to feel a little better about the session.

Maybe right next to 'steal percentage from co' I could be encouraged by the sight of 'percentage of friends who think you're a good person'. (FWIW my stats for both are ~34%).

Or perhaps next time someone posts their ev graphs, we can forget about any red line discussion and instead eagerly dissect their yellow line of 'how hard they tried'. "Yo wtf happened between hands 15K-17K? It says you weren't trying quite as hard. Maybe you should try a bit harder for those hands?". The coaching possibilities are staggering.

Don't get me wrong leggo fanboys and girls, it's a good product. But it could be great.

Till next time.

Someone asked me today, referring to my previous blog entry, why in the big first hand I played I wasn't sitting with 200bbs against my esteemed opponent. The answer is not that it was a simple oversight, but rather a demonstration of a fully tested set of ideas I like to call: The Mike Gracz Theorem.

A few months back I was looking around for HU action on FullTiltPoker.Com, also known as the place where the pros play. Now I had always assumed this was just a marketing gimmick. The idea of being able to actually play this game we love with the people, nay gods, we adore off the television seemed like a wacky funworld of Willy Wonka proportions that couldn't actually exist in real life.

However, as avid readers of this blog will already know, my sick compulsion to test myself against the very best was unlikely to subside when greeted with the sight of Maciek "Michael" Gracz (Mike Gracz) sitting alone at a 200NL HU table. With over 3 million in live tournament winnings to his name, I knew I had no time to waste in taking $200 at a time from the World Series of Poker bracelet winner.

I quickly take my seat and the action begins. He raises his first button to 3x, I fold. I raise my btn to 3x, he folds. Then I realise I stupidly only bought in for $200 when it was a deep table, so I click on cashier to refresh me to $400, hopefully convincing this Polish prince of cards to do the same in the process. After raising his btn for a second time, causing me to fold once more and giving him a $2USD lead in our epic showdown, he immediately sits out.

"?", I type quizzically.

"You're too aggressive", he responds.

"Lol", I regretfully reply.

As the red pro left the table in search of easier spots to pad his bankroll at 200NL, I was left wondering where it all went wrong. Was raising my first button a horribly over aggressive play? Well, yes obviously, but hindsight is 20/20, and surely even that wouldn't be enough to scare off a European poker wunderkind. So what was it? I could only surmise that it had to be my foolhardy clumsiness in buying in for the table maximum without the slightest hint of subtly.

For the next few fish I came across HU I tried again to automatically buy in full to see a reaction, and on more occasions than not they would very quickly leave. I contrasted this with a few occasions of buying more chips slowly in gayer amounts over several hands, making sure to have them covered but never a big enough individual amount that they could comprehend I might be doing it for a reason. And so, being as results orientated as the next intelligent individual, I decided comprehensively that after 5 or 6 exhausting trials there was no doubt that every single fish in the online poker world was intimidated by an automatic buy to 200bb, and would seek their thrills elsewhere should they ever encounter it.

Now I'm not suggesting that The Mike Gracz Theorem has been completely dissected yet, and there's quite possibly a few features I haven't encountered or noticed yet. Maybe rebuying exactly an additional 23 bb makes them very suspicious? Though not certain I believe that was the jist of the plot from that Jim Carrey film, and it doesn't seem to make any sense that if it applied to so many things for him that it wouldn't apply somewhere in online poker. Is this that place? I don't know. But I do know that, since I've brought this to the attention of you guys, I would certainly appreciate it if you would return the favour by letting me know if you discover any further additions or changes to this important and profitable theorem.

To summarise Leggo fanboys and girls: online poker fish, not dissimilar to most kinds of fish, are deathly afraid of bright lights, commitment, and automatically re-loading to the table maximum.

Use this knowledge wisely.

Till next time.

Have you ever had that dream where you're waiting for action at a HU table, minding your own business, when suddenly who should sit down but some rando euro FTOPS jersey wearing clownface who goes on to systematically donate all the money to you? I almost lived that dream friends.

AsMetzmagnyAs sits down. Yes, the AsMetzmagnyAs. The stakes are $2/$4 NL. It's a little colder outside, but we don't even notice due to the natural heat of dream fulfilling expectation.

He insta cold calls our first few btn opens, good sign. We check his nationality: french. Awesome. We look up what FTOPS event he managed to take down: FTOPS XI Event 3 Stud Hi hosted by Cyndy Violette. Amazing. Then we play our first real pot.

Full Tilt Poker, $2/$4 NL Hold'em Cash Game, 2 Players
LeggoPoker.com - Hand History Converter

Hero (SB): $427.50
AsMetzmagnyAs (BB): $760

Pre-Flop: 7 4 dealt to Hero (SB)
Hero raises to $12, AsMetzmagnyAs raises to $36, Hero calls $24

Flop: ($72) 3 2 4 (2 Players)
AsMetzmagnyAs bets $39, Hero calls $39

Turn: ($150) 7 (2 Players)
AsMetzmagnyAs checks, Hero bets $100, AsMetzmagnyAs calls $100

River: ($350) Q (2 Players)
AsMetzmagnyAs checks, Hero bets $252.50 and is All-In, AsMetzmagnyAs calls $252.50

Results: $855 Pot ($0.50 Rake)
Hero showed 7 4 (two pair, Sevens and Fours) and WON $854.50 (+$427 NET)
AsMetzmagnyAs mucked 3 8 (a pair of Threes) and LOST (-$427.50 NET)

Now we're a little scared. He isn't afraid to go with his reads. No matter, we'll have to be brave too. But maybe it'll be easier than we thought, we've got him all in once again.

Full Tilt Poker, $2/$4 NL Hold'em Cash Game, 2 Players
LeggoPoker.com - Hand History Converter

Hero (SB): $1,131
BB: $518

Pre-Flop: Q K dealt to Hero (SB)
Hero raises to $12, BB raises to $40, Hero calls $28

Flop: ($80) 8 7 Q (2 Players)
BB checks, Hero bets $44, BB calls $44

Turn: ($168) 9 (2 Players)
BB checks, Hero bets $100, BB raises to $434 and is All-In, Hero calls $334

River: ($1,036) 5 (2 Players - 1 is All-In)

Results: $1,036 Pot ($0.50 Rake)
Hero showed Q K (a pair of Queens) and LOST (-$518 NET)
[i]BB showed 7 5 (two pair, Sevens and Fives) and WON $1,035.50 (+$517.50 NET)

My word sir, that was quite a bold play. And where's our hat? I can't find our hat. Oh wait, that's because it's off to you. No worries, this match isn't over yet.

Full Tilt Poker, $2/$4 NL Hold'em Cash Game, 2 Players
LeggoPoker.com - Hand History Converter

Hero (BB): $809.50
SB: $1,035

Pre-Flop: Q Q dealt to Hero (BB)
SB raises to $12, Hero raises to $44, SB raises to $120, Hero raises to $260, SB calls $140

Flop: ($520) 2 4 3 (2 Players)
Hero bets $549.50 and is All-In, SB calls $549.50

Turn: ($1,619) 4 (2 Players - 1 is All-In)

River: ($1,619) 8 (2 Players - 1 is All-In)

Results: $1,619 Pot ($0.50 Rake)
Hero showed Q Q (two pair, Queens and Fours) and LOST (-$809.50 NET)
SB showed A 5 (a straight, Five high) and WON $1,618.50 (+$809 NET)

Boy we just don't have much equity at all when it goes in do we senor champion. You trapped us!! But at least we were trapped by the best of the best.

Full Tilt Poker, $2/$4 NL Hold'em Cash Game, 2 Players
LeggoPoker.com - Hand History Converter

Hero (SB): $1,071.50
BB: $1,571

Pre-Flop: A A dealt to Hero (SB)
Hero raises to $12, BB raises to $40, Hero raises to $108, BB calls $68

Flop: ($216) 7 6 Q (2 Players)
BB checks, Hero bets $135, BB raises to $302, Hero calls $167

Turn: ($820) K (2 Players)
BB bets $399, Hero raises to $661.50 and is All-In, BB calls $262.50

River: ($2,143) T (2 Players - 1 is All-In)

Results: $2,143 Pot ($0.50 Rake)
Hero showed A A (a pair of Aces) and LOST (-$1,071.50 NET)
BB showed 7 Q (two pair, Queens and Sevens) and WON $2,142.50 (+$1,071 NET)

Ok, so you trapped us yet again. We're getting schooled, and it hurts. But there's one thing you can't trap sir, and that's our heart. We've got too much of it.

Full Tilt Poker, $2/$4 NL Hold'em Cash Game, 2 Players
LeggoPoker.com - Hand History Converter

Hero (SB): $800
AsMetzmagnyAs (BB): $2,676.50

Pre-Flop: 4 6 dealt to Hero (SB)
Hero raises to $12, AsMetzmagnyAs calls $8

Flop: ($24) 6 2 4 (2 Players)
AsMetzmagnyAs checks, Hero bets $16, AsMetzmagnyAs calls $16

Turn: ($56) Q (2 Players)
AsMetzmagnyAs checks, Hero bets $44, AsMetzmagnyAs calls $44

River: ($144) 6 (2 Players)
AsMetzmagnyAs bets $125, Hero raises to $728 and is All-In, AsMetzmagnyAs calls $603

Results: $1,600 Pot ($0.50 Rake)
Hero showed 4 6 (a full house, Sixes full of Fours) and WON $1,599.50 (+$799.50 NET)
AsMetzmagnyAs mucked 6 7 (three of a kind, Sixes) and LOST (-$800 NET)

Why what's this? The rookie underdog making a heralded and completely unpredicted comeback? Oh, but you're quitting. Oh I see, you're making sure you leave as a winner. Even after you've left I'm still learning lessons from my new sensei. Touche, great one. Till we meet again.

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