Well I cant find my usb stick which is annoying as it has a pretty long thought out entry on it, as well as a university project that I need.
Iv been on a disgusting downswing, in fact im still on it and circling around the drain relying on mtt scores to keep me afloat and did have some very insightful thoughts written out about this on my usb stick but its nowhere around...
To be honest this downswing is basically self inflicted. I have been impatient and taken some agressive shots at bigger games albiet only against very weak competition and I havent put any time into studying or improving my game (DUH I HAVE A MASSIVE EGO). I havent really been playing cash online as I still havent fixed my laptop so had no HEM as im using a uni laptop that hooked up to an old monitor to 8 table mtts off. Actually thats BS and its just an excuse. Iv found it really boring to grind low stakes as there is very little stimulating play and even being busto the money doesnt really mean anything. I know that Iv ran terribly when taking said shots but if Id employed better bankroll management they wouldnt have hurt so much even with such repeated failure. Live has been awful aswell. again that is partially due to degeneracy (Irish open) where if id been more careful/cautious I could have made some money. Most people who have played with me over the last month or so will testify to the fact that my ''luck is bad'' but fuck it ill make money in the long run, whether or not it'll be enough to live a comfortable life and provide for my future family is something iv been contemplating recently. Guess ill see how the next year goes whilst im continuing with this facade of a degree.

Wow looking back on my diary id completely forgotten about a few things that have happened since my last update.
So I guess the first thing was that the guy who was supposed be backing me into a few tournaments did a no show and had his phone disconnected. Cant say im too shocked but disconnecting your phone seems a little extreme. The 2 main annoyances of this were a) hed had some %ages of me in other stuff and has not given me the money. b) he was supposed to be giving me a lift upto the festival meaning I missed out on the first few days. Lesson learnt about getting staking money upfront.
I go upto Walsall and play the first side event like somewhat of a nobjockey deciding to try and pwn the table. I gambled my way down to 1ante and 1 BB and 3 hands later Id turned my 225 into 6k before 4betting 44 into JJ which he tanked forever about before shipping UGH.

I hit up a cash table. MY QJ holds after missing on a 4T8dd flop v 97dd. I stack some fish when my MP turns into to runner quads (massive overbet on river and he calls with the ace LOL) its now about 1am and im winning about 2k off 250 I decide to leave after next session fees and freeroll into the M/E. Unfortunately I then straddle and some nit tries to steal my 20 by making it 105. I reckon my A3 leads so I ask him a question to which he replies with "ALL IN". I have 0 fold equity and call saying im sure you were just using ur table image to steal. flop comes 933. GIN. K 10. hes only got QJ. FML. This tilts me. I then miss a NFD+GS+2overs and leave. My mates messing around on a smaller game so I sit to donk around with him. First hand I raise half my stack blind and get set in for 100BB by 74o. he rivers a 4 LOL. Its war time. After my mate repeatidly three outs me and donks the money to other ppl Im losing ~700 and get it all back before deciding to 3barrel the table nit with82o for about 1k.
He flopped a straight on a 7high rainbow flop and I bet 82/262/492. the 7 paired on the river and he tanked forever. On the flop I knew there was no way he was folding but I literally could not give it up b/c I wanted to rub 82o in his stupid little nitty face when he folded. Good bye profit x
One thing that did come out of this was me getting a wicked hoodie:

ill add a pic later.

This is now sat 27th feb. I go down casino for a comp and im informed of a wild cash game going on. NO JOKE. first hand I ship J6 to reinforce my table image (unnecessary) and get called by Q9 and 54. Some clown was winning all the monies and I ship for 300 with 77. he snaps me with J5. "Motown. you gotta go with motown aint ya?" Yes I suppose you have and Im sure youd say that if you didnt river your bast*rd jack. This next action was the cherry on the cake. He put all the 100/25 denomination chips in his pocket because he doesnt want to play with that much money. And then says oh why cant I do that theres no signs up saying other wise. Just LOL. He leaves. I leave to go meet the boys in Monkey where theres some sick mcs on and have a class night.

Sunday I sleep through the cup final after gettin in at liek 8am, which is just as well as id be gutted when vidic doesnt sent off and villa lose 2-1.

The first week of march I spend tableselecting HU and findsome right characters. I destroy one guy for 8BI (200NL£)within an hour and he quits me. on thursday I find the same guy playing $200HU SNG. He killed me. I could not beat him. he was golden k2 v JJ kj6 flop d d ftw. pretty annoying that that shot failed. I also took a few shots playing 1kNL b/c the games were juicy. FAIL.

I didnt have a winning session live until I went to london for the gukpt. (19th)
I won a live donkament and sat on the best value cash game in the country. admitedly its 6cardPLO but there wasnt one decent player on the table so it should have been beautiful, First big pot I play theres a straddle, a pot raise and P-O-Lently of callers so I just bang it in Hilow with A234JQ. The guy on my left tanks forever and passes and everyone else calls. I get him to show me his cards as im all in.. hes ony folded 3 aces. so I have a lock on the low if it comes. 28KT so any lowcard for half. 9 for half or QJ to scoop as noone else can make broadway. The guy to my right calls pre b/c he has "the blockers to the low" with 22, he also has the K and the 8 manages to squeeze the case deuce out on the river to scoop the lot.
Now at this point Im only losing 200 so I relaod once with the intention of leaving as I cant afford to keep losing a couple of buyins every night. I had been keeping clear of dealers choice aswell because of the variance involved. So im sat there with my bowl of rice for 2 hours looking at everyone with stacks infront of them and I think f*ck it and reload for another k. I sit there card dead until the end of the night and in superstud my first 4 cards are 2345. I chk joe bets the pot (10) I repot. hes showing 78. fourth st is a brick for both of us T for joe J for me. chk.chk. 5th st he get a 2 and I pair my 5. He pots its for 270. I think about for a while now. boards read 78T2 35Q5
I decide to call and shove 7th street regardless: Im pretty certain hes just got a shit low with no pair for the high. He knows I have a strong low draw becasue Iv repotted him in the early streets and I have hardly played a pot all night when Im usually involved in every hand.
I brick the river and shove for ~650 under the assumption that HE HAS TO FOLD and conclude that ive made my low and he wont call that much if hes rivered a pair for the high. No hes rivered a gutshot A2678910. GG me. 4 9's in the deck that he can hit to be able to call my bet. Pretty irritating as id sat their all night and I'd play that hand exactly the same way although no one else iv spoken to would. Does anyone here play stud/superstud and would you make that move?

In london I was getting a train home saturday afternoon to go to my mates engagement party. And the supivisor walks over and calls session fees. Last hand for me I look down and see KK, run it into AA. lose 1k of profit.
The engagement party was pretty standard. The brides grandad had a beans moustache so I got a picture with him for jokes, then it was two girls bday party in another town so we drove over there for the end of it and was a pretty sound night. I look awful in the photos iv seen as id just left16hr session and got the train up in the afternoon. On a posititive note I have actually been for 2 runs and hopefully I cant get enough stamina to be able to handle circuit training at boxing.

I have being repeating the cycle of losing a) my stack b) my profit on the last hand for about the last 20 sessions live and its doing my f*cking head in!

The week after I invest the last dregs of my roll on stars/tilt/oneway and try to bink mtts. was pretty sucessfull having 2 1k+cashes off a 30and a 50. and final tabled some comps with silly runners (4500 and 7500 runners) but I busted 9th both times which really annoyed me. I leant my lesson so I only lost 1500 on 1knl v some goddamn clown and spent the following sunday hammering out the superturbo SNG qualifiers fot the SM and the 500 before running like aids and finishing even off that little venture. Id had enough of online by 6pm so I went for a little live break and pwnd the tourny for a few hundo.
Tues 30th I final table a $20 on ft for 2.1k (5th) I run AK into AA (literally run it into them head first, I felt he had aces when he made it 3x utg and I wanted to openfold but some clown called which made me want to raise and as im a fish i couldnt lay it ) to lose my CL and become SS and grind it out to 5th. The guy with AA was from the UK and ended up being the same guy who I lost a 2.5k pot w/ 72to in nottingham/dtd live how mad is that?

The next day I left for Ireland which ill TR on mon/tues...

A few final thoughts I had written for the OP went into a lot of depth about dealing with being on a downswing and more importantly how depression and lack of confidence can affect our game and mood in life which is why it had taken me so long to write.
Its very important to keep youself grounded and intouch with friends who are not in anyway connected to the poker community. When I went for a few drinks with Vicks and some of her friends one of them asked me about poker and was like so you dont work? You just play poker? Thats alright isnt it.
And I thought Yes, Yes it fucking IS.
Get some perspective.
Patiently fold some more hands.
Play your A game.
(Stop whining like a little b*tch) -Not that I whine; at least I try not to. I just laugh at how bad it is. But im sure a large percentage of people need that last one shoved down their throat.

That was a funny night actually which iv forgotten to include we were told there was a comedian in the pub but it was actually a drag act who was just insulting everybody LOL.

3 concerns other than my financial ones are;
The council are causing me yet more grief by revoking the prohibition on the attic room staircase b/c they did not administer it properly and are doing another inspection next week meaning I have pointlessly applied/paid/found appropiate evidence and sent it all off to the housing tribunal only for the case to be cancelled until they decide if they want to serve it again. Proabably going to have to seek legal advise now and should probably sue them for putting me on life tilt in early feb where I just spewed for the first few days after I got the notice letter from them out of the blue. I was furious when I got it with no warning; and the reason they have revoked the prohibiton- because they didnt follow the correct administrative procedure. what a fucking discrace. If I cant use that room it will cost me £60k in lost rent over the term of my mortgage. Thats half of what I owe on the house!

A boy who moved in whilst I was in london (didnt sign a contract as I was away) has done one whilst I was away in Ireland so thats screwed me with the rent/bills. I know him from playing poker and he doesnt seem like hed do that so he better cough up, at least I know someone who knows his family which will hopefully make it easier to resolve as I now need to find someone else to move in (which is unlikely as its so late in the acedamic year, and Ill have to pay to letting agency for finding someone).

Smashing some uni work by tuesday (need to find usb stick or i got a lot of typing to do) and then focus on my exams which are disgusting; mon,tues,wed,thurs,mon, week and a half wed starting on the 17/5

"You grow up, you work half a century, you get a golden handshake, you rest a couple of years and you're dead. And the only thing that makes that crazy ride worthwhile is 'Did I enjoy it? What did I learn? What was the point?' That's where I come in. You've seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that anything's possible. ... See More If I make them laugh along the way, sue me. And I don't do it so they turn round and go 'Oh oh Thankyou David for the opportunity, thankyou for the wisdom, thankyou for the laughs.' I do it so, one day, someone will go 'There goes David Brent. I must remember to thank him.''

Life IS good. night.