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luvr
Ohhhh so I don't know where to start. It's been awhile since I've updated the blog. I think this is gonna be a long one:
Cliff Notes: My Brief Poker History Post-Monte Carlo Bubble Confidence and The Poker Mindset Restoration / Quest for Vegas For anyone who has talked to me or previously read my blog, we all know I bubbled a $5k trip to Monte Carlo. Well it REALLY messed me up, more than I thought possible and here's why from what I can tell, based on all the introspective thinking I've been doing. First, my brief poker history: My Brief Poker History I started online poker in winter of 2009. I deposited $75ish on PKR and started playing 4nl. I figured that since I like poker I might as well give it a shot like the guys on TV. I never went busto and went from 4nl to 10nl to 25nl on PKR before realizing it was terrible for getting any kind of volume but I was shy to move to a new site, after all I didn't use HEM or anything either. In November 09 a friend shipped me $200 saying "I bet you'd do good on Betfair, try that, gimme a share of the profits". I cashed out PKR, joined Leggo and switched to Betfair. A month later I started using HEM. Shortly after starting on Betfair I tripled the stake playing 20nl on Betfair so I sent him back $400 and kept $200 to play with. I grinded November and December, trying to build up a 1k bankroll to shoot at 50nl but I am a student and I do withdraw money so my bankroll has never been a ton of BIs. At the very end of December I took my shot at 50nl and it was awesome. In January I only played 60 hours but I averaged $22/hour from poker or $27/hour if you count the rakeback and bonuses I was getting. That's good for a broke student with no job. So I must have gotten a little cocky. In February I basically took a bit of a break, didn't log much volume and ran bad when I did. When that happens I revert back to watching videos, reading books etc. In March I bubbled Monte Carlo. I got $700 for the bubble but I didn't care, it hurt. Post Monte Carlo Bubble - Lost Confidence/The Poker Mindset The whole point of that history is to show how I went from free rolling to caring about the money I was winning and losing and counting it as income with real value. And of course we know how you're not supposed to think of it as real money, especially if the amount matters to you. After the Monte Carlo bubble I hit my first real bad downswing. Previously I didn't have problems with tilt because I was focused on the proper thing - making the correct decisions. After the bubble I should have taken a couple days off because I was definitely NOT focused on anything good. I know I ran bad but I'm sure I made it soooooo much worse for myself by not playing my A game...ever. And this compounded everytime I played. March was heartbreaking. By April I had lost confidence in poker, in myself and had my final exams to stress over. In May I took some "me" time...I went home to visit my parents and my friends and their new places and babies. I've been making it a point to get more exercise too. I bought a nice dress and came back to my own city for a girlfriend's wedding - the first I had ever experienced. PKR was having a 100% reload bonus with a side chance to win a Porsche so I moved back to playing 25nl on PKR to build my confidence again. Towards the end of May/beginning of June Probability was nice enough to pick me to get some of that free coaching he advertised in the forums. I was poorly prepared for it, especially since I hadn't even been playing much on iPoker/50nl. I had been wasting my time on PKR. None-the-less the coaching helped. Not only by improving my game but by helping my mindset. Talking to redargoe and Matt woke me up big time (and I'd like to thank them again). I realized that if I want to go for this crazy dream of being a pro poker player that I need to get over the bullshit and focus on the important things - not beats and tilt but instead correct decisions and volume. Here's my results (iPoker only) since talking to those two:  Today was especially special, one of my problems post MC bubble was running bad and tilting if I had a bad start to a session and quitting, scared to make it worse. Today I dropped 3 and then 4 BIs relatively quickly but I stuck with it and ended up almost 4 BIs in the black. Pre-bubble I didn't have tilt problems so hopefully that's finally fixed. Quest for Vegas I love traveling and seeing new sights and meeting new people. In January if you had asked me I would have said that I was going to do my best to keep up the results and get to Vegas this summer. I guess Monte Carlo distracted me from the main goal - being a poker player not just gambling for traveling money. After talking to Probability and Redargoe I realized that I was running out of time to make the money to get there and that it means more to me than Monte Carlo (*gasp!*) because it's more in line with the main goal and Leggo Party > Vanessa Rousso bootcamp IMO. And even though I'm a pretty bad forum troll sometimes and I don't post as much as I would like to, I have made some pretty good Leggo friends to chat with on Skype that I would love to meet. I have never been to Vegas, I haven't even been on a plane since grade 8. It has always been something to fantasize about though, I'm one of those people that would love the atmosphere, the excitement, the sights and sounds of Vegas and be totally amazed at all the pros that would be around. Also because I am generally a broke student and don't travel much, I didn't think to look at the cost of a trip to Vegas back in January...I assumed the cost would be huge and serious grinding and run good (and probably a jump to 100nl?) would be needed. I basically assumed that since I ran bad/played bad and wouldn't be moving to 100nl as soon as planned that Vegas was out of the question. As it turns out I can find 75+ deals (Expedia.ca) between $900-1100 to get to Vegas and back for anywhere from 7-11 days at any number of hotels on and around the Strip. Wish I had noticed that a month ago. I could book the MONTE CARLO hotel and casino for $1200...wouldn't that be the dream?lol Apparently they have a lot of pools and I love water and swimming and it's time for a new bikini! Anyway....I don't really even care if I get to play much while I'm there, I mostly want the experience of going. So the time for the grind is on, although my results so far this month are decent it won't be easy, my bankroll is still really sketchy and split between iPoker and PKR (almost done clearing the bonus) and I still have real life things to pay for. But don't count me out yet, I'll do my best to get to that party 
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