Super emo post. I almost deleted the whole thing. But whatever, maybe it will help other people with the same issues.

I am hugely disappointed to be dropping down to 25nl, and yet, I know that is really the root of the problem. My dissatisfaction over how much money I make or what level I play at is affecting my play disastrously. My head is in such a bad place, I am sure I would bust if I was to continue playing 50nl, so I dropped down. When you start to take every lost pot as a personal affront, well, you just shouldn't be playing.

I watched the latest Boywonder video (like everyone else I am sure) and was impressed with what he had to say about stats, tilt, our natural instinct to call. The last time I played consistently well was when I played 25nl without a HUD, and so that is what I am doing now. Even though I have been playing with a very basic HUD set up, I still catch myself making sweeping generalizations about players based on their VPIP and PFR. I just played a short session, and it was super uncomfortable, which means I think I should be doing just that.

I have thought a lot over the last few days about how to manage the importance I place on money. It is so hard, a lot harder than I thought it would be. As soon as I started depending on poker for a monthly income, I started losing or breaking even at best. What a head trip. My family is just making it with me as the sole financial support, and when I have a slow couple of weeks at the restaurant, the pressure is ratcheted up quite a few notches. I start to feel more like a gambler than a poker player, focusing on how bad I have run or how many coolers I have had and just lacking the self control needed to play as well as I know I am capable of. The changes at my work go into affect next week, so I think I will be making a little bit more money which will help my general state of mind. Also, I think I really need to pound out the homework (oh yeah, that) if I am going to be playing HUDless and just go for a total retrain of my brain and how I think at the table.

The thing is, I know I am capable of playing well. I know I can beat 50nl and, eventually, 100nl. I am not delivering my best at the tables though. Drives me crazy. And then I think "don't get crazy, just relax and everything will be ok." But it is a promise I have been making for a while now and things are definitely not ok. Sigh.