Have been playing a lot, without much success - but I feel like the playing a lot part is most important, and I'm definitely gaining form and grinder fitness.

It's actually a pretty big acclimatisation back into cashgame swings when you are used to tournaments.

People think that tourneys are just lol varianceaments but it's quite different, I mean you can run bad for a long time as in not hitting a score because you consistently fail to get lucky when it counts... but that just means you break even, you are still making final tables all the time and getting some sort of positive reinforcement each day.

You break even until you inevitably spike.

Cashgames are brutal by comparison. I mean sitting down and losing 5 buyins in the first half hour, going away, coming back and then losing again... sitting there down a huge amount of money feeling like there's nothing you can possibly do right...

It's a lot harsher. It's great, really. It's a test of character.

I always loved that about poker. The tougher you are, the more emotionally resilient, the more philosophical, the less susceptible to mood swings, the more determined and the more pragmatic you are... the more money you will make.

And yeah, I was always the guy who shrugged off being down 10 buyins and just won them back the same day, and laughed at people posting 30K hand breakeven stretches and whining as though that was so uncommon or hard to deal with...

It was easy, because I was in such good shape poker wise, my grinder muscles were taut and lean and I was able to shrug off all but the harshest of adversity because hey, my game is tight, I know my opponents inside out, and I'll be here tomorrow and the next day so why worry?

Nowadays when I lose the 3rd or 4th stack in a row I start shaking my head and cursing like a mere mortal and wondering if I should just log off

It's been good though, I've been playing a lot, broken up into separate sessions how I like, and I've been doing +ev life stuff like exercising, playing music, seeing family and friends, getting some sun (spring finally starting to kick in legitimately).

I can tell it's gonna fall into place soon enough, I'm seeing the angles and remembering how things work.

I just need the physical grinder fitness, that's all.

I decided to skip APPT Auckland and Pokernews Cup in Melbourne which are back to back in about a week.

It's just not what I need right now.

I'm hitting a groove of 2-3K hands a day, playing whenever I feel like it, and seeing friends and running errands and doing whatever I want in between, and it feels like the wrong time to be disrupting that.

I'm sick of having to miss band rehearsals too.

I'm playing in three bands now, guitar in Extortion plus a band called Drowning Horse (really doomy sludge ala Sunn0))), Corrupted, Eyehategod etc) and then drums in Hospital Beds (sort of indie punk crossover like Lost Sounds, Wipers, etc)

Anyway life is good, just want to win at poker more than I have for ages and I'm not being patient enough about it.