I think this is going to one of these hours that I take out of my life to sort of do some repairing and resetting. I need repairing from getting hurt, I'm hurt from not having the strength to know what's good or bad for me as far my decisions go outside the poker table. To put the decisions I've made relative, I've decided to open shove every hand preflop, but if I did everyone at the table would buy me a pack of gum or play ping-pong with me or give me life advice or help me get a taxi cab home if I get insanely drunk. It's not really the other people to blame for offering me a seat into their game if they know I'm going to go all-in every hand and who the hell would get up from the table?

Yeah, I've got problems. If a person views their problems and flaws, shouldn't it now be really easy to fix them? I don't really want to be like "Oh this is a blog to tell myself my problems are over because I said so, look at me!" I don't need to convince anybody to reassure myself. Basically, I've come to certain realizations of my personality type and how not shady, but not so righteous people are going to interact with that certain personlity type. It's going to end bad for the passive, gambly, assuming type of person I am. There is a high-stakes kid who is 19 and who has a similar persona as mine, but who hasn't gotten wrapped up in the non-sense yet. I'd feel really bad if he lost what I lost in such rediculous fashion and I tell him everytime I speak to him to just believe that anyone who wants to gamble with you is looking to hustle. It's just going to be what happens to us everytime because of the way we are. I'm not really mad at people. I'm made that some humans are designed to do such things and I'm obviously upset that I'm designed to not learn from my mistakes and to allow these people to do such things with no side effects for them.

One of the most important things that I've been told this week was by Aaron. Aaron said "Ashton, you have to just get a group of friends like chewy, starkey, and myself that want nothing from you. Also, you just have to stop caring what other people think of you." Obviously there's a lot to be gained from me if I was to implement his advice. I think the best way to start making a positive change for myself is to just take one decision at a time.

After this past few weeks of craziness I'm sure that I'm content with just not talking to people about the stupid shit I've done or writing about it. I'm also done with the graph thing. It's the third time I 've said it here. Yeah, first step towards recovery. Booya. If you want to watch me on TV I'll be at the final table of the NAPT high roller on Thursday night. Look for the one they call Frodo.