Perhaps I am a 'degenrate' or will always have the label as one. I like to think of myself as a bonafied risk taker. Perhaps I put myself in bad spots, but there's always a method to the madness. I'm grateful that I have just enough fear left in me to be scared to bust again. That fear is the thing that takes my hand off the mouse and gets up from the chair makes a goofy face in the mirror and laughs the loss off. I take my losses strange. In fact, I take losing and winning oddly. Hard to say what I get excited and frustrated about, but it's not winning and losing. I think I get excited when I have a complete day. A complete day for me is a proper balance of training, errands/chores, pain and pleasure. For sure, pain is a learning tool for me and of course a motivator to fix what needs to be fixed. I guess that is what makes life so great let alone the poker road.

I don't I ever say to myself "Here we go again". I just can't be that way to myself and I will always maintain the faith. I'm only getting stronger as I learn to cope with the huge losses. I'm learning to just inhale, exhale, and say to myself what I'm doing. For instance, "OK, I am a clear favorite when he's losing, but with the momentum he has right now, it is unlikely I'm a favorite. I'm going to get up and get some food, take a shower and lay in bed. Inhale, exhale..." I mean this isn't the perfect solution on how to not go broke, but it's just me learning how to cope with the worst. Perhaps this is all standard, but it's an area I've improved on greatly. Sounds like standard stuff, but it's an area that I could improve the most on and I have made an improvement.

I'm feeling sort of conflicted in terms of what I'm aiming for. A part of me wants to ride the poker road out and possibly become one of the greats of the game and all the money and fame that comes with it. The other part wants to quit poker for the next 8 months to do great in school and reach my maximum potential as a college wrestler. I think that would be a true test of my powers and could possibly be the greatest improvement as a poker player and a person if I were to follow through with that for the greater good of my hearts desires. Perhaps that would smooth out some of the problems I still have with balancing areas in my life.