I started this blog to have something to look back on, laugh, smile, and tear up about. Perhaps that is why I began playing poker. At the moment, I think I can say I've seen almost everything there is to see in poker and maybe more than I would have liked to. I can still remember playing a CD-ROM game called Hoyle Casino when I was 11. I remember playing in my free time while my Dad had Crystal Method blaring on through the house, and I remember consuming the game until I could beat the computer at every card game (Holdem, Omaha, 7CS, 7CSHL, O8, Razz, and 5CD). That went on for a year until I outgrew it and moved on. And I remember one of the most intense emotions that I felt as a little kid was winning $4 at a home game with my dad and our neighbors. I still remember the feeling when I told my mother how much I had won.



I guess I'm just writing down everything I can think of that has led me to where I am. I could forget all these things one day, so writing it down is perhaps my only way of remembering. I had a few painful memories this weekend, mostly me just fucking up and stewing in the sick feeling that always follows. The day before I left for school last year, I chose to spend the second half of my going away party on my laptop, playing severely underolled at a game I was not good at. All of my family and close friends were there and I had to just shrug them off because my sickness was too much. Despite all the times I complained while I was in Minnesota about being away from home and missing my family – there I was, caught up in the mess, a stupid hypocrite. Just knowing how bad my problems were made me sick and angry at everything. It's taken months and months, but I really do feel like I've improved on the problem that has plagued me throughout my poker career.



In the poker world, you can't feel sorry for yourself. You have to be the man and throw all your demons and doubts to the wind. When you start feeling sorry for yourself you are inviting the demons to take over your thoughts, which is going to lead to you crashing somewhere. I've crashed… a lot. I’ve realized that I've overcome my past problems by everyday becoming mentally stronger than I was the day before and by learning how to block out the negatives. By stronger, I mean my ability to stop at any time and being able to play whatever game or limit to the best of my abilities. It doesn't matter to me what people think when I say this, but I feel that as of now I am one of the strongest players in poker and practicing good habits, and my faith in myself has gotten me to this point.



Looking back on a year ago, it saddens me that I made so many poor decisions which caused me to bust a 1.5mm bankroll. A year has gone by and I've improved on these issues and polished my poker skills, allowing myself to grow as a poker player. Granted, I've been running hotter than anyone in the poker world outside the November Nine, and I've even matched my run good with some glorious timing in winning that $500k in a year prop bet just hours before winning the $25k HU tournament. But as Tommy Angelo told me, the only thing that matters right now, is now. I'm not too caught up in my “run” – I’m just trying to figure out where to go from here.



"The Run"




Well, I'm pretty sure an extended break from poker looms in my near future. I'm driving to Minnesota tomorrow morning and I really don't feel poker is a priority over wrestling. You'll see fragments of my reasoning scattered all across my blog. To be honest, I've never been more excited to actually be a part of Leggo. Matt and Vitas are excellent at what they do and we have an incredible cast of poker players. Aaron and I have had phenomenal results at the highest stakes on the internet and have really just outplayed some of the world’s best at poker recently. BTW, I think I owe Aaron an amazing surprise present for the amount he has won me this past week. PM me if you have any ideas. Video coming out soon and my finals match between David Benefield will be up shortly after. I have to pack because I leave in 8 hours.


PS. Did you guys really think I thought it was "unpossible" not impossible? It’s unpossible to be that stupid.