My month so far...





and in bbs





so as you can see, in the middle of a ~40 bi d/s and about 100k, pretty sick stuff! it's starting to get a little out of hand and I think I'm losing my mind!

Now this was gonna be my 3rd blog post in a row moaning about my misfortunes, but I'm sick of moaning, and I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. So I figured i'd rather take a more positive view of it all, and it takes some stretching to take positives from losing 100k!

I think I knew it already, but it really hit me that I am a pretty inexperienced hsnl player, when all is said and done. I've played like 150kish hsnl hands, which isn't a lot at all, but what I've never been through is something like this. I've had a few 15 bi d/s here and there, but I've always recovered pretty quickly. This is the 1st time I've been absolutely killed. It's something that every poker player, especially high stakes players will have to go through, and it looks like it's my time. It's all about experience. After going through something like this you learn better how to deal with it, and that's the positive part of losing 100k. The longer you don't the more you get used to winning, then when the inevitable happens it could be completely crushing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm completely fine and taking this in my stride, I've been in a pretty bad mood the last few days. Haven't been taking care of myself; no exercise and distorted sleeping patterns. It's all been due to the d/s. I just haven't been in the mood to do anything but gamble, which is obviously unhealthy in itself, but is also going to cause poor decision making at the tables.


So what now? Another break and back to it? I've already done that though! Of course it will help, but if a similar thing happens (losing badly again after the break) it'll have an even worse effect on me. So I need a plan, and I need to stick to it religiously. Because I never want to go through this again, and I don't believe I have to. Here's what I've come up with....


If I am at a point where I'm down 15bi at a level I don't play it again until I'm up 10bi at the level below. I was gonna make it 10, but I figured I'd be going up and down nearly every day . Now obviously I can still lose 40bi, but it will be less likely (since my edge is bigger at lower levels) and if I do it won't have the same effect. I'm a very competitive person and I hate to lose. I would be very annoyed if I lost 40bi at 1c/2c, but it wouldn't quite have the same crushing effect as losing 40bi at 10/20. So using this method I think it's very possible I will never be in this position again.

If I have to play .5/1 then so be it, just gonna have to swallow my pride. That's another thing that has been affecting me a bit I think, and tbh it's stinging a little now at the thought of having to play lower than some of the muppets that regularly play 10/20+. I get berated sometimes at the tables by a few of these characters, I actually get a kick out of it, but the thought of them feeling smug at my misfortune gets to me a little. I hate to admit this of course, but it's the truth. It shouldn't affect me at all, but that's just the way it is. I'll just have to constantly rationalize the situation in my head to overcome that one, and make sure that I am the only person that makes a difference to my poker career, not some random idiot over the internet.


Now I could blame myself for not coming up with this plan before my d/s, I said myself that it was inevitable, and I knew it before this past fortnight. But there's one thing knowing about it, and another actually going through it. You only really believe something like this when you experience it yourself. Before this I figured I'd go through some rough times, but I'll be O.k. I would say to myself that I'm over-rolled for 10/20 so there will be no need to move down if i go on a bad downswing. That's all well and good, but once I started losing, i started feeling negative and doubting myself etc, and that obviously made it worse. I was spiraling down towards going busto because I wasn't playing my best and that's what you don't think of when you're not in a d/s, the fact that you won't be playing well and it'll just get worse. So with my plan I'll be playing lower stakes when I'm not playing too well and lacking confidence etc, and higher stakes when I have confidence and playing well, great!


So there it is, no more negative attitudes, no more moaning, time to man up! I'll be taking another break because the thought of playing isn't too appealing to me atm. Then it's back to 5/10. If I lose there, no big deal. Back to 3/6 etc. I know I'm a winning player. I have a .25M+ hands winning over 7ptb/100 despite all of my dumb tilt sessions, and there have been a lot! So I know I can crush if I'm playing my A game. I hope I can keep this attitude and stick to my plan.


Wish me luck!